2. Weak start - Gun control

SCRAMBLED ABT: Mission statement of gun violence group

ORIGINAL:

Guns Down is fighting back against the National Rifle Association and the gun lobby with the simple premise that our communities are safer with fewer guns. If we’re serious about saving lives, we need to build a bolder, broader movement that finally tackles the problem at its core. America has far more gun deaths than our peer nations. We use our guns to kill each other at a rate that’s 25 times higher than people in any other high-income country in the world and we use our guns to kill ourselves at a rate that’s eight times higher. Guns exist for the sole purpose of killing, and they’ll continue to devastate our families and communities until we dramatically limit their availability. Unfortunately, the National Rifle Association has spent millions of dollars advancing its guns everywhere agenda, buying off members of Congress, and spreading lies about gun reform. In 2016, the lobby invested over $30 million to elect Donald Trump and spent another $20 million electing gun extremists to Congress. Guns Down is taking on the NRA on all sides, by exposing the true cost of its guns-everywhere agenda and challenging those who do business with the NRA. #GunFreePolls: In the lead-up to the 2016 elections, law enforcement agencies were increasingly concerned about the threat of armed intimidators at polling locations. Guns Down established a helpline for those who witnessed such incidents. FedEx: Guns Down is pushing FedEx to pull out of the NRA’s Business Alliance, which offers FedEx discounts to NRA members. Tell FedEx not to fund gun violence. Gun violence is a major threat facing our country today. Every day, 48 children and teens are shot. Seven of them die. Mass shootings, in which four or more people are shot, have occurred in more than 100 metropolitan areas since 2015.

FORMAT-CODED:

Guns Down is fighting back against the National Rifle Association and the gun lobby with the simple premise that our communities are safer with fewer guns. If we’re serious about saving lives, we need to build a bolder, broader movement that finally tackles the problem at its core. America has far more gun deaths than our peer nations. We use our guns to kill each other at a rate that’s 25 times higher than people in any other high-income country in the world and we use our guns to kill ourselves at a rate that’s eight times higher. Guns exist for the sole purpose of killing, and they’ll continue to devastate our families and communities until we dramatically limit their availability. Unfortunately, the National Rifle Association has spent millions of dollars advancing its guns everywhere agenda, buying off members of Congress, and spreading lies about gun reform. In 2016, the lobby invested over $30 million to elect Donald Trump and spent another $20 million electing gun extremists to Congress. Guns Down is taking on the NRA on all sides, by exposing the true cost of its gunseverywhere agenda and challenging those who do business with the NRA. #GunFreePolls: In the lead-up to the 2016 elections, law enforcement agencies were increasingly concerned about the threat of armed intimidators at polling locations. Guns Down established a helpline for those who witnessed such incidents. FedEx: Guns Down is pushing FedEx to pull out of the NRA’s Business Alliance, which offers FedEx discounts to NRA members. Tell FedEx not to fund gun violence. Gun violence is a major threat facing our country today. Every day, 48 children and teens are shot. Seven of them die. Mass shootings, in which four or more people are shot, have occurred in more than 100 metropolitan areas since 2015.

ABT REWRITE:

America has far more gun deaths than our peer nations. We use our guns to kill each other at a rate that’s 25 times higher than people in any other high-income country in the world and we use our guns to kill ourselves at a rate that’s eight times higher. Guns exist for the sole purpose of killing. Gun violence is a major threat facing our country today. Every day, 48 children and teens are shot. Seven of them die. Mass shootings, in which four or more people are shot, have occurred in more than 100 metropolitan areas since 2015. (BUT) If we’re serious about saving lives, we need to build a bolder, broader movement that finally tackles the problem at its core. (GUNS WILL) continue to devastate our families and communities until we dramatically limit their availability. Unfortunately, the National Rifle Association has spent millions of dollars advancing its guns everywhere agenda, buying off members of Congress, and spreading lies about gun reform. In 2016, the lobby invested over $30 million to elect Donald Trump and spent another $20 million electing gun extremists to Congress. In the lead-up to the 2016 elections, law enforcement agencies were increasingly concerned about the threat of armed intimidators at polling locations. (THEREFORE) Guns Down is fighting back against the National Rifle Association and the gun lobby with the simple premise that our communities are safer with fewer guns. Guns Down is taking on the NRA on all sides, by exposing the true cost of its guns-everywhere agenda and challenging those who do business with the NRA. Guns Down established a helpline for those who witnessed such incidents. Guns Down is pushing FedEx to pull out of the NRA’s Business Alliance, which offers FedEx discounts to NRA members. Tell FedEx not to fund gun violence.

COMMENTARY:

There’s nothing wrong with how the original text is written. It’s perfectly understandable, but it’s a mess when it comes to narrative structure. Instead of following a smooth, logical flow, it jumps all over the place. Yes, it may be a little more attention grabbing to start by having a statement of action (saying they are fighting back against the NRA), but the average reader is left wondering what exactly is the problem you’re addressing and how are you doing something different about it from all the other people working on it. The rewrite presents the set up, problem (need a broader movement) and solution (the actions being taken by Guns Down). In simple terms, it tells a story. And also could probably be much shorter without losing any impact.