Lead-in to Notes & Analysis

Ann's Lead-in to Notes & Analysis

We start with our own running conversation on dissociation, and then begin the long journey with Dell & O’Neil (2011). We as a Multiple will be paraphrasing their work, in trying to better explain to ourselves and others, what we read and how we've come to understand it - in all its difficulties - conceptually and based in a difficult professional language.

Hi.

From within our own thoughts gathered over time, we can say, that we believe that dissociation is what initiates safety for the initial victim - transgressed by another. The brain seeks safety within itself through the reactions of chemical synapses and as alternative "pathways and storage processes" of memories, thoughts, emotions, behavior, etc. - with the individual having little to no conscious knowledge or awareness of these events.

In general, the material of Dell and O'Neil (2011) presents, that from the start of recorded history, dissociation is a division in consciousness or personality [subconscious or unconscious]. Early history of dissociation states that dissociation is expected as a weaker attribute of the self, and could be manipulated through hypnotism, or other outside forces (the hypnotist - doctor). Professional people through history have thought potentially that dissociation could involve sex or loose morals. Part of dissociation, then seems to involve lack of control and boundaries between self and other.

We believe that in early sexual abuse, usually by a familiar family member, the other who should be in control of caretaking, takes control of the minor in an aggressive and traumatic sexual manner [GF - Grandfather]. The fault here is in thinking the doctor/hypnotist who discovers the remnants of memory, thought, emotion, and behavioral inconsistencies, should be blamed for causing the sexual digression instead of being the one trying to help with re-balancing the individual from the horror and aggression of sexual and other abuses of one's person.

In our case, there was unwarranted blame involved, because the culprits of abuse were family members who obviously weren't responsible people. They were "church-abiding people", who didn't want their transgressions to be known. So, they lied to hide or distort culpability. They put out false screens. This involved a certain web within the family, and blame placed on to us or external others who would question their surface expressions. Outside the wall, our family seemed as supportive, considerate members of the community, but they did not acknowledge sexual and other abuses from within the family, which put our life in a state of ongoing crises.

When we were about 16-17 years old, and against our will, our parents were called in about our depression/suicidality. We were acting out of control. This wasn't the first school to call. Legally, I am sure the school had to call for a meeting with the parents. After the meeting the family withdrew angrily, blaming our ill-health on the support by a responsible person, the volleyball coach.

They stated the problem was because she was a lesbian, instead of them taking responsibility for correcting the families' issues of abuse, neglect, and lack of communication; the family fed into their own fallacy. They continued denial of responding to me/us as a person of value.

There will be charlatans. But we believe that the great majority of doctors and caretakers are reality-based. In our case, Kathy - the coach, was honest and worthy, and conferred with Ms. Dickey, our School Counselor when she sensed we were in danger. We trusted them both, though afterward, we seemed unable to cross my parents' more obvious walls.

Psychologically, I withdrew thinking the school supports were not going to be able to help, at least directly. The school staff was able to support music, athleticism, and good grades, so in those areas we all succeeded. It appeared to be a way we could fight for ourselves. We went to college successfully, but at the end of our junior year, we were pregnant, and four years after, we had already given birth to three sons. Life happened all too fast.

While acting as the best mother we could, we had to face other realities in that, although our center core had gotten stronger through love of the kids, our outer core was melting. Through anxiety, depression, and emotional abuse by our husband, we faced many hospitalizations due to self-destruction. We were being fed by our husband, that he and the kids would do better off if we were dead. We were having a hard time believing that was not true.

Given time, we discovered the dissociation, divorced, and maintained custody of the kids for several years. We had been a stay-at-home Mom, so started work with a low paying job. After our ex remarried, he decided he wanted the kids back. He tied us up financially in court through his wealthy family’s support, and we went bankrupt and lost the house. We surrendered custody of the kids to our ex and his wife, and then we ended up at a homeless shelter. We were devastated.

We came through though, in that we were supported by the hospital staff who encouraged we finish our psychology degree, to earn a better work position. We did and found ourselves for twelve years working as a counselor/social worker at a center for adults with intellectual disabilities. This seemed to work well, and the boys only had a few years with their father until they became old enough to move more favorably out on their own.

At the point we stopped working, our boss, a nun who was 84 years old had become extremely emotionally abusive of us. She was not "safe to be in charge of people." We found ourselves self-destructive again and left the job in a disabled state. The Nun was retired a month or so after we left.

Our initial personal problems started as an infant. The abuse by family and early sexual abuse by our GF created lifelong problems, although most of the abusers, have passed. Others in our life, such as our husband, a Christian Brother, and then the Nun carried on abusive relationships with us. We couldn’t always respect ourselves though either.

Only the two years while finishing college, we had poor professional support. Otherwise, for most 37 years, we have continued to receive professional help that has been excellent and assisted us in living. This has been our saving grace. We have been provided with good psychological support who have helped us traverse the peaks and valleys of our life. They couldn't change our history, but they helped us handle what it had done to our life.

We have remained on disability now for the last ten years. We have accepted this, because with the support of our partner, we are doing well. We write, organize with people online, quilt, and on occasion practice playing the piano as well as being a best friend, mother, and grandmother of seven. We live with our best friend of 27 years, and our Collie. We have a small home and a nest egg. Our adult sons have excelled and I'm proud of the people we have all become.

We believe our main problem to be the effect of deep-seated abuse - with dissociative "skills" starting before the age of one. We hold ourselves in our own state of life, to be excelling with each letter typed. We are generally very happy people and feel constructive - though minimize contact with the outside world to primarily our sons, their families, an online community, and our medical world. We can still be triggered toward self-destruction.

I do not understand intricacies of how my brain functioned in the past [with abuse], or how it is processing now. We are always in a state of "trying to figure things out." Our doctors have directed our work by structuring first day-to-day issues, and then later structuring the broader issues.

We always feel as if there is a long way to go because we want to learn everything. We are still growing and developing at 62 years of age. I come into this study with over 30 years knowledge of our own dissociative identity disorder (DID). At this point, we still do not believe, for us, in integration. We also are diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD.

I believe it will be to our advantage, the effort to understand the Dell and O'Neil book, as a Multiple. We are eager to find what all the professionals know. We are hoping through better understanding the edited collection of work from the industry's “dissociative giants,” we will contribute to our own understanding, well-health, and that of others. We have already published one book; we would like to write another.

We understand the study of Dell and O'Neil is ten years old, but we will adapt to what is written here because I believe in it to be some of the best work written on dissociation. We're inspired by so much thorough ground to cover. We are especially appreciative of personal resource and safe boundaries learned from our psychiatrist of 22 years. I am proud to call our best resource, Dr. Robert Marvin, University of Illinois, Chicago (UIC).

Ann M. Garvey

(January, 2022)