A (very long) introduction

Feb 25, 2015 12:29 PM

<a href="http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic157003.html">http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic157003.html</a>

Postby corenet » Tue Feb 17, 2015 7:38 am

I have lurked here for a while on the suggestion of a friend of mine, but this will be my first post. Despite that, I'm not entirely clear if this is the right place, so hopefully you all can let me know. I suspect there will be at least a few things that will trigger sensitive folks, so be warned. (It's not intentional)

First off, I am biologically male. However, I have, for pretty much the entire time I can recall, shared my mind with a female personality. It has been a remarkable journey, but we have managed over the the course of several decades to work together to keep things running. However, let me start off with a bit of background.

First, I don't remember, and I've never been told of, any explicit physical or sexual abuse. However, and this is where I am now, I do remember getting into a lot of trouble, and even being counseled, over doing girly stuff. When I was very young, I was just as likely to play house with the girls as I was to play adventures with the boys. I had my favorite stuffed animal that I slept with, and I really wanted to be invited to the sleepovers with the girls as much as I wanted to go camping with the boys. At some point, I was told that boys don't do certain things, and punished if I did "girly" things. It was around that time that I "met" my female companion. Going back as far as I can, that would put it around kindergarten for me.

After that, I became purely a boy, albeit a sensitive and shy one, and externally quit doing things associated with girls. However, what no one else knew was that my female companion identified very strongly as a girl, and got upset about that. So, we often played "alone" together, where we could do either boy or girl stuff. (although usually a combination of the two) I built a rocket ship playhouse in the backyard where she could play house, etc.

Over the course of years, we each developed more and more, and also became more intertwined. We had separate memories, thought streams, etc. but we could work together in ways that I sometimes struggle to describe. We not only could (and can) talk audibly to each other internally, we can write text, draw art, or even animate things in this mind space. When we were young, we treated it like a toy, creating fantastic worlds that overlaid the real one (like filling the room with water and splashing in it). We worked collaboratively on these things, each filling in a part of it. We still do this, only now it has more practical uses. She can overlay my field of vision with things I need - like pointing out a car I may have missed, or helping me visualize a complex system at work. My username is actually a reference to the shared space that we created, because it feels like a machine of sorts.

What we never did was switch places. I have always been the one to interact with the world, and she has always been the one who acted as my emotional support system. She was the first to comfort me if I was upset, encourage me if I got discouraged, and perhaps most powerfully, she could emotionally "hold" me if I became overwrought. We have had discussions over whether this was a good idea, but it is in her nature to nurture. (Which I understand is a common thing for guys with female alters) She is also incredibly protective of me, and when we first started this journey, got upset at my violating our internal integrity. (She has sense realized the wisdom of seeking outside advice and counsel)

Things were working well until puberty hit, and then we kind of went sideways for a while. Even though we both identified as male/female, that really didn't become a factor until our body started changing. I took an interest in girls, and she became more quiet, moody, and withdrawn. Eventually, when we were going days without talking, I asked her what was up, and she explained that she didn't feel right. We finally worked out a compromise, but it didn't last long because we were both more terrified of being caught than being at peace. This was the period when I would secretly cross-dress, and she would pretend that our body was female, that she had girl parts, etc. I went along with this, though I sometimes found her intense and abiding desire for certain things troubling, or worse, appealing. This lasted for several years, until I started to fear that I might be "becoming gay" (I was deathly afraid of that, because I lived in a small town where that was pretty much the worst thing you could be)

Sensing that her sexual outlets were causing me distress, she shut it down as best she could, but she couldn't help but "leak" from time to time. She developed crushes on girls mostly, but there have been at least a few boys through the years, but true to her word, she remained silent. I went back to living an externally ordinary life, with an extraordinary friend in my mind. We went on this way for a long, long time - up until a few years ago. The cross-dressing had stopped long ago, but some of the other things we had done we continued, though we felt guilty and scared each time. Overall, though, we were exceptionally high-functioning, started a career, married, etc.

I am very detail oriented, analytical, and have an aptitude for holding and manipulating systems in my mind. I can literally see how a machine will function and break it down in to parts. My companion, on the other hand, is much more attuned to the aesthetics and artistic integrity of a design. Together, we produce really great work - every design we do is a collaborative effort between the two of us. The result has been a solid career in engineering, a field we both find enjoyment in.

At any rate, I slowly became a much more stereotypical guy in a lot of ways, while she became an almost "house mother" of sorts. It worked well. Then, about three years ago, I met a lady in an online game, and we discovered that we were each writing books, and stymied by a lack of progress. We decided to edit each other's books, and offer suggestions. The thing is, I had been allowing my female companion to go "out" online, and the lady in question knew us as a female. After reading the first few chapters, she asked me if I knew I was a at least somewhat lesbian, and whether that affected my marriage. That whole thread started me on the journey I'm presently on now.

Upon further introspection, my sexual orientation and intimate life has always been incredibly complicated, and viewing those issues through the lens of gender cleared a lot of things up. Specifically, my mind and body has always responded as much (or more) like a woman than a man, even though I am very strongly attracted to women and not men. When I first married, I was unable to perform for the first week, during which time my companion decided to "go offline" (because it felt weird having my wife and my companion "in bed" at the same time) However, after I became increasingly frustrated and worried about not being able to consummate my marriage, she decided to help out. It didn't take long, even before I considered the gender issue, for her to quickly realize what the problem was and helped me manage my mind enough to get things moving. She literally had to keep my "girl side" from getting overexcited until "boy side" was ready. (Applying teamwork to this problem was incredibly weird, but productive)

I have long realized that what helped us manage all of this for so long was our deep and abiding love and respect for each other. Not a sexual love, or an infatuation, but something else, something deeper. We have always literally completed each other as if we are soul mates, even though we realize that we aren't. Yet, in many respects, we are far more intimate than any couple. Unfortunately, and this is why I am still on this journey, I can tell that our "success" may have come at a high cost.

I am not driven to emotional or physical intimacy the way most people are. I live a life of incredible intimacy every day, and it is so common I find I sometimes take it for granted. I fear this has caused issues between my wife and I, and I have been actively working on the issue. However, it has also resulted (I believe) in stunted relationships elsewhere. I am trying to do better about this, but I feel like I have to practice being vulnerable externally. It doesn't come naturally the way it does between the two of us.

Also, I find that rather depending on my wife or friends when I am emotionally upset, I retreat internally - to the comfort of my companion. She is always there, doesn't judge me, and knows exactly what is going on. However, I know that is probably not healthy for a long-term relationship. It almost feels like cheating at times.

Lastly, I have become more aware of this as I progress, I realize that my "feminine side" isn't as well hidden as I thought. It comes out in my mannerisms and speech from time to time. My wife has, I suspect without realizing it, come to trust my advice on her outfits. My daughter still gets mixed up and calls me "mom". My in-laws (along with countless people in my past) are convinced I'm a closet homosexual (which, in a way, I might be - just not for men) At least twice in middle school, I was formally questioned on the matter, but I had never been attracted to males at all, so I steadfastly denied it. (Internally, I've accepted that I'm probably at least somewhat bisexual based on my companions rare, but non-zero, crushes on males)

Excepting my companion, and only looking at myself, I can sense the heavily intermingling of the masculine and feminine woven throughout. I've fairly well accepted that I am gender variant to some degree, and that perhaps my companion was my mind's way of managing that when I was younger. In a way, if it were true, it was probably a good thing. I would have become an outcast in my community if I had been forced to deal with that head-on when I still lived there. Now it is still an issue, but not quite as intimidating as it was then.

The reason I wonder about what, exactly, I am experiencing is that there have always only ever been two of us. Other than the usual "highway hypnosis" thing, we have never experienced lost time or amnesia that we can think of (though I know that is a specious statement). We have generally always been co-aware, though we have retreated from time to time, but we have tested our limits and she is unable to "interrupt" me or awaken me. I appear to be in literal and figurative control of my body. In fact, I would almost think she is the classic "invisible friend", except for her abilities and unique memories. We do disagree, but we really haven't gotten in a "fight" since we were about 14. We also have different aptitudes and interests. I'm much more of the classic engineer/scientist while she is incredibly intuitive, artistic, and concerned with emotional well-being.

So, there you have it. A long, but reasonably thorough introduction.

A (very long) introduction

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