So They Do Communicate Internally

Mar 07, 2015 08:27 AM

<a href="http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic156502.html">http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic156502.html</a>

Postby CopperMoon » Sat Feb 07, 2015 5:24 am

Trigger Warning Topics: Eating Disorders, Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation Issues

Separated With

Something that was at some point set up between certain system part(s) and my therapist is that apparently when certain parts become active on seemingly random nights, they email the therapist. Sometimes I have vague, hazy memories of composing these emails but have to go back to get the details, and other times there are emails where I don't remember writing any of it (and often disagree with a lot of the content). I like to believe that this is somehow building trust between certain parts and the therapist and helping to inch our way towards integration or at least better stability and self-awareness.

But something that has surprised me is that some parts appear (by their own explanation or given away in the argument-like patterns of the emails) to communicate internally with each other, mostly in the process of making deals with each other. From my perspective it comes across like a small council or board or directors making decisions and deals, usually involving a great deal of heated and emotional debate and power struggling, over what is going to 'come out' in action through me on the surface. I had no idea that this has been going on internally, which I suppose might be sort of silly in retrospect, but admittedly I guess I assumed that the only chatter is the chatter I'm ever aware of and that it's always directed at me as a part/host.

Some examples:

So I am by no means underweight, actually towards the higher end of a normal BMI, and in no way have an eating disorder. However, I don't eat when I'm stressed and have never really thought about it. Turns out that apparently when one or more parts are seriously suicidal, usually triggered by something specific, there is a part that lays down 'ground rules', in essence, regarding method. And the only method allowed is self-starvation. This part furthermore went on to explain that this rule prevents suicide by forcing parts to 'earn' it via the lengthiest method possible, due to how starvation with hydration would take at least three weeks. Even further explained that the triggered episode never lasts long enough to result in death and so it works as a safety mechanism. This was a major lightbulb moment for me regarding all of these lists of dates I find all over in my sketch journals, which are apparently the planned-out time frames. Anyway this part was explaining to the therapist that this part is in charge of keeping the body alive and enforces strict rules in doing so. Apparently this part and the therapist also bumped heads in a session, and this part is apparently extremely controlling and isn't a fan of compromise - but at least explained to the therapist in a series of emails why it is so controlling. There was also mention of a deal about going from cutting to biting in order to avoid permanent or even long-lasting marks as a matter of subtlety in a crisis.

What I took away from these examples, though, is that

They actually do communicate internally, and maybe even quite a bit.
We have an extremely strategic protector, which is just a relief.
They're talking with my therapist.

In general pretty good discoveries. I mean having parts that are struggling with self-destructive urges sucks, but I expected it. I wasn't expecting such a relatively impressive internal system of dealing with things. It is seriously like a small court in there, apparently. The only really flustering thing is that there is no self-identifying in the emails. It's only when thought patterns and writing styles seem to shift that I'm able to sort of pin point when there were multiple parts participating in a series of emails. I get the impression that if one starts communicating with the therapist, then others who strongly disagree or feel so emboldened to do so have to get their side of the story in.

Anyway though this is has turned out to be hugely helpful, because when I get to a session, I typically think and feeling absolutely nothing and have no idea what to even talk about. I'm lucky if I can focus enough to follow the conversation for more than 5 minutes without getting totally lost. This whole email arrangement has basically seemingly created two distinctly different yet simultaneous conversations that occur between 'all of us' and the therapist. I feel like there is a dialogue between myself and the therapist, and then the rest of them are doing their own thing with therapy. But the emails also allow me to get some insight without feeling totally insane and overwhelmed. I think in large part because the emails are proof that those words (i.e. thoughts and emotions) really did come from my own mind (collectively) as I typed them with my own physical hands. It's sort of grounding in its own weird way. It also provides a safe-haven for journaling, outside of any really bored Goodle or NSA employees, lol.

So They Do Communicate Internally

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