Apprehensions and rant

Mar 06, 2015 09:43 PM

<a href="http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic156660.html">http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic156660.html</a>

Postby lifepuzzle » Tue Feb 10, 2015 6:30 am

Hi everyone.

This time I'll try to write a shorter post. 1217 words, a 56% reduction, not too bad ! It essentially is a compilation of worries and rants.

I absolutely want an answer to this question : what is the maximal acceptable length for a post ?

Skip my rant entirely if you wish, but if you have to answer only a single thing from this rant, answer this question. I am tired of writing a post to which most people don't answer because I wrote something too long again.

I experience depersonalization nearly constantly, although the intensity varies. The same goes with derealization. To be honest, I had never noticed those as such, and I couldn't say it has ever made me anxious. Once in a while I realize my body is odd to me, as if it was not what was expected. The more annoying thing is the particularity of derealization for me : not only does reality seem strange and somehow 'distant', I also 'disconnect' and think more in my head, losing track of what is going on in reality. It is, of course, quite difficult to engage with reality when your connection to it is weak. I also have massive organizational problems, and I want that to stop entirely. I cannot take it anymore, even though I write this straight-faced. Things would go a lot smoother if I could avoid the stress of being disorganized. I got an agenda, wrote myself a time management method when I felt better a few weeks ago, but now I am so generally dissipated I can't actually apply it.

Another problem is that my sleep is irregular, and often not restorative. The psychiatrist will probably want me to take antidepressants, but I'm done with those. My general state gets better when I stop taking them, and I feel even more numb when taking them. After I stop taking them, I'll get a week or two where I am much better and I think naturally about a bunch of things I usually forget. I get better as the day goes on, reaching a peak of functionality in the evening, where taking care of what I think at that moment is not possible. I can't go to work at 11pm, or do my groceries, or clean the apartment... I will be getting answers about my sleep in the near future, though; my psychiatrist did not want to investigate, so I am doing it on my own, with the help of a biology teacher. I can't believe I have to do the job that the doctor gets paid to supposedly do. If I am right again about something important to check that he did not want to, I'm going in medicine, if only to ensure that there is at least a doctor willing to check for the rare stuff quickly ! The earlier I wake up in the day the more sleep inertia I get, sometimes for up to an entire hour and a half, when it shouldn't in theory last more than 15 minutes. My sleep patterns also drift from day to day until a certain point where it resets ... I use melatonin to cope, but it only works intermittently.

Also, I wonder what is going on with the lack of communication with other alters. I also wonder if they get to be out, because I don't notice anything; events from last year lead me to believe that it happens, but I have no idea of the frequency at which it happens. Also, the behavior described by my friend in those events matches no alter I know about; however, in all honesty I don't know much about the other alters in here. I also wonder where I fit in that picture. With my lack of social skills, my inability at recognizing, expressing or even sometimes feeling emotions, and the rational approach that pervades my thinking, I don't think I make a very good host. Am I some other type of alter then ? Really makes me wonder about a lot of things about me. I have some ideas and theories, but they don't match research. As in, some characteristics of me are only possible if I have DID (as per the latest research, see http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.net), and others only possible if I have OSDD, and it seems like I can't have both. Then what the hell am I ? Maybe I'm just lying to myself and everyone else, but I can't find a reason why. Escaping responsabilities or ensuring I can be lazy ? It doesn't fit with my values. Look at the last paragraph, where I talk about doing efforts. Now, I had never noticed dissociative symptoms before I started reading about it, but maybe that was simply a lack of awareness. I don't want those dissociative symptoms, yet a thought that comes to mind is "You're a liar, you're a liar, you're a liar, and talking about it to seem distressed and unsure is a great strenghtening of the facade !"; and I actually feel really satisified, kind of in an evil way, to tell you my "plan", as if I somehow had the intention of playing with your mind, making you unsure of whether I am really distressed and uncertain or whether I'm really lying. And it makes no sense, because doing this has no benefit for me. Nor does imitating the debilitating symptoms of DID, for that matter.

Also, I wonder if I could go dysfunctional all of a sudden. It would be quite bad. It would be the proof that I cannot ever be relied upon as I can go dysfunctional without warning. Until that changed of course. But already, even without being dissociatively dysfunctional, I cannot be relied upon since I am so often confused and forgetting, and generally disorganized. Or, what if I became all of a sudden a danger for others ? Without warning ? I really need to learn more about becoming dysfunctional in the context of dissociation, to know whether those ideas are possible.

I often feel like I don't do the efforts to get better. Which is true to an extent. But what can I do if organizing my efforts is something that I can't do. The worst about this is that I sometimes get much better but I can't figure out why, what causes me to get better. Stopping antidepressants work, but for the universe's sake, WHY ?!?!? At least for a short time, then I deteriorate again. It makes me feel like I ultimately have not much control over my own state, and it sucks. On top of that, I am the kind that appreciates and enjoys when something goes from good to even better because someone did the extra mile, therefore, I regret when people that could go the extra mile to make something good to really good don't. As a result, I experience massive cognitive dissonance over how my state is not improving, and how, in the end, I am not really doing a lot of efforts.

This post is long and I must sleep. Good night!

Apprehensions and rant

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