Comedy

(12) Jimmy Insults Heckler to Explain What’s Broken About The UK's Education System - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io1XWw1XDao

Transcript:

(00:00) When did you REALIZE YOU WERE FUNNY? >> When did I realize I was funny? >> Never, said the lady down here. [laughter] >> Oh dear. Oh dear. At some point this evening, something terrible is going to happen to you. Not now. That'll be too easy. I've got a joke later on. >> What? >> You pretend you're a total [  ] when you really love your girlfriend.

(00:38) >> Why do I pretend I'm a total [  ] [laughter] >> when I really love my girlfriend? Do >> you like cheap easy jokes? >> Do I not think they're cheap, easy jokes? >> No. >> No, I think that that's all right. >> She's Christ. She's allowed her opinion. Um, no, not really. But I think if I just kind of got up here and went, "Ah, my life's [  ] great.

(01:06) " I don't know if I'd get much play out of that. [laughter] >> What? Sorry. >> Find different material. >> Find different material. >> All due respect, >> if you don't like me, you shouldn't be here. This is [applause] All right. >> I do like Jimmy. [  ] that guy. >> No, no, it's all it's all right. I got this. I'm kind of interested in this.

(01:46) It's fine. There's There's lots of other stuff that's interesting later on. Oh, you think it's too easy? Baby, try it. [laughter] >> I I assure you it ain't. But that thing of like writing joke like I write a lot of oneliners and I I credit the audience, not just you guys, but all audiences get it in a [  ] heartbeat.

(02:11) People are very patronizing when they talk about comedy. They act as if, oh, that's true. You know, that's not true. And then the audience will think it is true. You get it in a second. I'm going to be serious a couple of times tonight. I guarantee you everyone in the room will get when I'm serious and get when I'm joking.

(02:29) [applause] >> But genuinely, I mean, you know, she's she's a great girl. I I've been with my girlfriend for 25 years. We've got two kids together. We've got a very happy life. But look, I've done a lot of jokes. I'll say something from the heart, right? I genuinely I look at her and people often ask, "Well, why aren't you married?" Genuinely, [snorts] I think I could do better.

(02:51) >> [applause] [applause] >> Too easy. >> Yeah, that's my problem with the slag as well. Too easy. [laughter] >> What do you think of basketball? >> I couldn't give a [  ] I I think if I would pick a different team to support sir because you seem unable to pronounce Arsenal. [laughter] What do you think of or it's like it's not maybe West Ham.

(03:36) Maybe pick something that doesn't [  ] with your speech impediment. [applause] Who do you support? The [  ] >> Dracula wants his suit back. >> Dracula wants his suit back. >> If only he'd said that in a creepier accent. I'll find out more. Before you say it, he came here on a boat. Okay, sweetheart. [  ] calm down. [laughter] You're welcome here. Know that.

(04:07) Whereabouts are you from, my friend? >> Bruge. >> What? Sorry. >> Belgium. >> You're from Bruge. Okay. Why are you talking? >> You talk a little bit like [laughter] You talk a little bit like you're a cartoon cat. [laughter] >> What do you do, my friend? [snorts] >> Students. >> What are you studying? >> Business and management.

(04:28) >> Business and management. Do you know who you [  ] sound like? Remember the last James Bond movie? [laughter] >> The bad guy with the Yes, I'm going to poison you. They did this to my family. [laughter] You're that guy with a weird [  ] poison garden. That's You're [  ] that guy. Crazy [  ] Who are you here for the day? Are you Where are you studying? >> Uh I'm studying in Switzerland and I'm here.

(04:56) >> You're studying in Switzerland, but you're from Bruge. But you're here for the day. >> You've got a carbon footprint like a [  ] Wookie. Yes. I just travel around. [laughter] I only come out at night. It's very nice to have you here. Who are you here with? Who's Are you also from Bruge? >> Where are you from, mate? >> Harfordshire.

(05:28) >> Hertfordshire. I'll ask. Have you got the Have you got the settings wrong on Grinder? What? How? I'm sure [applause] I'm sure you could find some hot [  ] action closer to home, my friend. [laughter] He's from Bruge, but I like his voice. It's very gentle. What do you do, my young friend? >> I'm a student as well.

(05:55) >> You're a student. What are you studying? >> Aeronautical engineering. >> Aeronautical engineering. [  ] tremendous. >> Okay. I think there's a couple of jobs going at Air India. >> [laughter] >> I'm just saying >> if you there's a national emergency and you had to be shoehorned in to be like prime minister.

(06:20) >> If I had to be shoehorned in to be prime minister. Well, I think that's the only way that's happening. [laughter] This is not an easy fit for public office. But go on. >> One big policy change you would make. >> What's the one big policy change I would make? Uh, I might answer that. Seriously, I uh I would I would uh I would make education free.

(06:45) I think uh I think we've got a but but I'd make it more difficult to get in. Sorry to be a dick about it, but I would I would start with STEM and go out from there. But yeah, it should be [  ] free. It was free when I went, right? So I grew up in slow. I sound really posh. People don't believe the people think I went to public school and I'm I'm like uh from a rich family because you can't help you've got your character and your reputation and my reputation.

(07:13) You got to understand both, right? But [  ] education used to be social mobility and it [  ] isn't anymore because the [  ] put a price on it. >> It's crazy. It's [  ] crazy. [applause] And it's not for me. It's, you know, it's for Chab scum. These guys No offense to [  ] Kids, but you know, [laughter] let me check in with the [  ] Kids.

(07:39) What? The guy that asked about marijuana. What's your plan for life? What you going to do, my young friend? >> Uh, shot buds off. >> What? Sorry. >> Shot buds off. >> I'd like to be an engineer. I've only done engineering in college. >> You can do engineering in college. Okay. Um, what about the what about the guy with the uh >> subpar Eminem? >> Samuel.

(08:05) >> Samuel. His name's Samuel. That doesn't suit him, but okay. What What are you going to do, Samuel? >> Whatever makes money. >> Whatever makes money. You can be a rent boy. [laughter] In fairness to Samuel, he went, "Yeah, I guess you know." Huh. Okay, good luck. Uh, Uncle Jimmy, we flew all the way from Sri Lanka just to see you.

(08:41) Don't get us wrong, you're not exactly a household name over there, but a few crazy fans like us, we just couldn't help loving you. Good luck, Uncle Jimmy. [laughter] Theuck and Mandala. Where's Thanuk and Mandela? Theuck Mandala. Where are you? >> Turn up the lights. Let's say hello. What? And whereabouts uh whereabouts in Sri Lanka are you from? >> From Columbbo.

(09:05) >> From Columbbo. >> Well, this is [  ] tremendous to have you here. I'm sorry I'm not Romesh Ranga Nathan. >> I can only apologize. I will be sending him the joke about the kid with a lazy eye later on. What else are you doing while you're here? >> Just visiting places. just visiting places. Okay, that's quite general.

(09:32) Go on. Uh, my son is schooling here. >> Your son's at school here, so you're overseeing things and Well, thanks for coming to the show, man. I super [  ] appreciate it. This is [  ] international. I've got [  ] whatever the whatever wherever the [  ] Dracula said he was [laughter] in [  ] Sri Lanka. I [  ] love it.

(09:52) Thank you so much for coming out, man. I really appreciate travel. Thanks for making me part of your trip. [applause] >> All right, what else we got? >> Somewhere in this room and we can't find him. [laughter] >> You've got Someone's in this room, but you can't find them. >> Your uncle's in this room. >> We We had to get tickets for you, but we all had to sit separately.

(10:17) >> You had to get tickets, but you all had to sit separately. So, we're looking for your uncle. [laughter] Okay. Is anyone Is anyone the uncle? You can't just volunteer to be your uncle. [laughter] I'll be mates with a dad and touch her inappropriately. Yeah. [laughter] >> It's not really my department. The missing person's thing.

(10:43) It's like we've all got our gifts. What's >> cancel yourself? >> Cancel yourself. [laughter] >> Hello. Hello, >> Alsbury. One of the staff has got in. [laughter] >> Someone's traveled up from Heml Hemstead. [laughter] >> What's your name, my friend? >> Jay. >> What's your name? >> Jade. >> Jade. >> J A Y. >> Joe. >> Jade. >> Jay. Amazing.

(11:10) He can mispronounce a letter. [laughter] >> Joe. Joy. >> Joe. And what do you do? Jay. Me, council worker. >> You're a council worker? >> Yeah. >> Okay. And what do you do for the council? Because that could be anything. You could be the mayor. That seems unlikely. [laughter] >> What would you mean? >> Go on.

(11:31) What? What do you do for the council? >> Me? Uh, fly tipping. >> You do fly tipping. [laughter] For the council, >> right? See this [  ] rubbish? Let's go and [  ] dump it in the next county. [laughter] I don't think you work for the council, my friend. [laughter] What you do for the council? I uh strip lead off Church Rouge.

(11:57) [laughter] It's not It's not a council activity. Fly tipping. [laughter] What you I work for the council. What you do? Well, I sell I sell drugs to teenagers. You know, just we not a council job. You [  ] lunatic. [laughter] He says, "And where where do you live? Do you live around here?" Yeah, I suppose you could park it anywhere, can't you? [laughter] You can't judge a book by its cover, but you can tell the [  ] price. Jesus.

(12:25) Sticker the dumps in. >> Is this the Mrs. Hello, love? >> Hello. What? What's your name? >> Laura. >> Laura, what do you do, Laura? >> Um, I work for my dad's building company. >> You work for your dad's building company? Just say I'm involved in organized crime. We'll all understand. He doesn't want to be named for legal reasons.

(12:48) >> Sure. Sure. >> Had a gay experience. >> Have I ever had a gay experience? Uh, I once had a salad as a main cause. >> Count that [applause] feels feels like that's a gateway drug. [laughter] I've been excited about seeing a musical. Nothing gay about seeing a musical, but being excited beforehand. Can't wait for the new Avita.

(13:23) And the time I suck that guy off, I was a good friend. Huh? Ask Julia about the noise she made during her nipple piercing last week. Where's Where's Julia? Where's Julia with a pierced nipple? Julia, [laughter] what's Can we turn up the lights? Where's Where's Julia? You tell me where you are. Get the metal detector.

(13:55) [laughter] We'll find Hi. Hi, Julia. So, well, you had one nipple pierced, both pierced. What did you have done? >> What? Sorry. >> Just one. And did it did it tickle? >> What? Sorry. >> No, >> it didn't tickle. Was it quite painful? Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And you didn't think it would be? I mean, what the [laughter] I'm just going to ram this spike through your tip.

(14:20) >> Do you think you'll be all right? No, I [  ] won't be. What? And why did you have it done? >> What's midlife crisis? >> A midlife crisis. How old are you? >> 42. >> You're 42 when you got your nipple pierced. Okay. Look at that. Look at that. That's a [applause] That's a spontaneous little ripple of Do you know what, love? [  ] do your thing.

(14:50) We thoroughly approve. And where do you mind me asking? Which dogging site do you go to? We've all made a value judgment. Think I'll make more Only fans if I get this one pierced. It's a good idea to get your nipple pierced as you get older because you know I mean not 42 but you know as you get older your memory goes could put your house keys on there.

(15:19) [laughter] I know you know what you're thinking. Oh, how would you open the door? That would be awkward. But [laughter] as time passes a pierced nipple is very [  ] handy. Oh, I just open that. Bloody marvelous. Well done you. What's your view about recycling? Cuz my friend next to me is mentally obsessed with it.

(15:46) I'm Dale spelled incorrectly right at the back in the rafters with low oxygen. [laughter] Where are Hi Dale? Where's Dale? Hi Dale. What's your mate called? >> Susan. >> Susan. And And she's obsessed by recycling. I think what I mean, good luck. If it makes you feel good, then do it. But I think recycling, the great trick that they've played, uh, you know, you know who paid for the uh, the litterbug campaign.

(16:24) You know, the litterbug thing, you're all aware of the phrase litterbug. That was McDonald's PR company came up with that. So, they make the rubbish, they serve it to us, and then they blame us for dropping the rubbish. I don't [  ] know. I I don't I think it's I think it's a bit like when you used to be able to buy indulgences from the Catholic Church.

(16:44) [laughter] It's some [  ] nonsense. It all goes in the same landfill. It does. If you don't believe me, ask a guy who fly tips for the council. You're sorting stuff into separate bins. Do you think he gives a [  ] [laughter] >> He doesn't give a [  ] >> But good luck. >> You're a good person, though.

(17:15) All right, what else we got? Um, hi Jimmy. I'm here today with an. She is 78, known as gangster granny for having the police search her greenhouse for cannabis and her cellar for a dead body. Where's Where are Where's an >> Hi, Anne. Is this true? You uh [laughter] And they didn't find the body. >> Yeah. >> They did find the body.

(17:44) [laughter] This was 40 years ago. She's out now. Um and am I in danger? Is Is this going to be like a baby reindeer moment? Will I going to wake up in your basement with no [  ] ankles? What do you do? >> An uh >> I fix people. >> You fix people [laughter] >> like new to them? What? What do you mean you fix people? >> them when they're broken.

(18:13) >> You mend them when they're broken. >> Well, this sound This is getting interesting now. Are you in the medical profession or are you some sort of healer? What's going on, Ed? >> A bit of both. >> A bit of both. Okay. You very rarely have a surgeon tell you, "Oh, bit of both." >> So, what kind of healing do you do, Ann? >> It's a mixture of things.

(18:45) This is the first conversation you're having, though. Yeah. >> You've never spoken to another human before. >> Do you want a [  ] lawyer present for this? Why am I I'm only asking and I'm thrilled you're [  ] here. Okay, now you So you fix people. Is it physical things? Is it mental things? Or just general healing? A mixture of things.

(19:08) What if someone was like, I don't know, a [  ] idiot gobshite. Could you fix that? Some offense. [laughter] No, you've been a lot of fun. I've very much enjoyed to meet meet you. Um, well, good luck with a healing and and somebody has still come to comedy shows. I [  ] Why on you? Thanks for coming out. Hello.

(19:30) I wanted to tell you about Jimmy Carr Roadkill. It's all my favorite heckle moments from 2025. I've had an amazing year. Uh, primarily because people shout out stuff at gigs and those are the bits that I haven't heard before. So, uh, please enjoy. These are, yeah, my favorite moments from 2025. Jimmy Carr, Roadkill. Click here to