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thank you everybody thanks so much very happy to be here tonight wow did you guys hear that or was that me man I'm I'm hearing voices again anyway I'm very happy to be here and I did a show here last night and some lady asked if my hair was natural I'm like where would you go to get your hair done like this you know she said petmart and that stung a little bit but she was right it's a really good deal so I've been going back every four to six weeks and I'll tell you that flea bath is tough man but all right some of you are digging

this and some of you are looking at me like didn't we see this guy under a bridge earlier [Music] today that was me man I write these jokes in the dirt and then come in and try him out and I'm not looking forward to this rain it's going to wipe out my ACT thanks a lot I'm doing good on the right side of the room I'm as and Republicans over there but uh no I am I'm a registered Republican because I just like showing up to the meetings and freaking them out you know I'm like they're like you're not supposed to be

here I'm like yeah I am when I tie my hair back I look like that that guy on the nickel so you're like we got to let him in he's on the nickel all right now I'm so happy to be doing shows again and and you know I fly to most places I mean I'm not a good driver I think you know when you get a good look at me I don't think that comes as a real shock I don't think you guys are like I bet this guy can really drive a car man I'm I'm not good behind the wheel of an automobile if you look at me I got a weird eye going that way uh

which makes it interesting it four-way stops you know they're like which way is this guy going to go to you that joke always does better over here people over here like his eye is the only normal looking thing on him man all right but I am a bus rider and weird things happen to me just in general but you know the bus magnifies it and this happened to me at a bus stop in Colorado and I'm from Colorado but I don't ski cuz I'm already sliding downhill on so many other areas of my life Wow thank you over there man I'm

GNA get the whole room to laugh and my aisle straighten out just for a minute there but this happened in Colorado it was 8:00 at night it was this time of year it was dark out and say like that stool is the bus stop right I walk up to the bus stop like you normally would and I startled this woman who was there and I get it I mean you know I'm a weird looking guy however you want to say it but we live in America here right we have freedom of choice like all right I'm doing well one person at a time man everybody's going to laugh it's just

individually but I have I've been there before uh I'm not even a comic I came in to get out of the cold for a while said let me tell my stories give me a bottle of water and let me go up there no but what I'm saying is we live in America you know we have freedom of choice I choose to look like this like uh well people don't usually laugh there but all right that's cool wherever you guys laugh I'll slow down I get the feeling there's something going on behind me that I'm on aware of but but no uh you know I I do I get up in the

morning check my reflection in the mirror here I'm like that is the look I'm going for let's go to the bank I've got stuff to do you know so so I walk up to this bus stop I startle this woman and she says to me are you all right do you have somewhere to go and I'm like yeah that's why I'm at a bus stop I'm going places I don't think I can time it much better is this your first time time at a bus stop and this happened to me um late at night I'm riding a bus I'm a nightclub Entertainer this guy stands up on a rolling bus and asks me for a dollar and

first of all if you're asking me for money I'm going to question your analytical skills I mean I do not look like a high roller it's like do your homework but uh this guy asked me for a dollar so I try to be polite I'm like I'm sorry sir I don't have a dollar and he cops an attitude with me and starts talking all tough he's like hey man why don't we take our shoes off and do a little boxing I know I'm like well that is a weird request but I'm on this bus for another 35 minutes so let's box bro so as he was taking his shoes off I

beat the heck out of him you know like you're the one who wanted to fight me over a dollar buddy and you know because I don't drive I I walk a lot I that's my main form of exercise and I try to get 10,000 steps a day that's what the doctors tell you oh thanks yeah were you just clapping because you're like I'll bet this guy didn't even make 7,000 today but no I bought one of those pedometers that you clip on your belt you know and then I lost it so I was bummed uh cuz I don't have a lot of extra pedometer cash laying around the house you know so

then I was like well I'll just keep tracking my head of my steps and honestly that's what happened to my eye man I was like I was doing some heavy math and my was like I'm not going to carry the one anymore I'm out oh thanks wow the old wandering ey Dr is pan off thank you guys so then I sat down on this sidewalk you know tried to recount my steps you guys are making up your own jokes you know that I I'll set them up you knock him down we'll be home time to watch the weather but no I I sat down you know and was retracing my steps I

went to the paint store for no apparent reason you know thinking about some other stuff someone walked by and they thought I was inebriated you know so they suggested 12 steps and I'm like I know I made it farther than that man that's like 40 feet tops if you're taking big steps all right you guys seem to be a little bit of a math crowd and uh I've got a math joke and it's a timely one if I do say so myself because we're going back to Standard time tomorrow and I like daylight savings time better you guys I do but you know how they say you

gain an hour when we set the clocks back that's not really true but I came up with a plan where you really do gain an hour and it's called daylight driving time and here's how it works you drive 95 miles an hour in a 65 mph zone for 205 [Music] miles you have picked up an hour you know that's the good news the bad news is you're in Wyoming but you know you're an hour ahead so but I do go for a lot of walks and I've walked around this town today uh you know uh Provo and it's very nice here uh but this happens to me wherever

I go you guys whether it's a city or town you know whatever at least once during the weekend a car will slow down and yell at me you know uh not the cars themselves but I mean people in the cars right and what they 99 times out of 100 is get a job that was funny over there that's good no but uh you know I I thought about it it's like I have a job I support uh comedy clubs restaurants Airlines wherever I go so now when a car slows down and you get a job I start running alongside the car and I look over and I'm like but I have a job and

it freaks out the driver you know he's like it's not supposed to happen like this supposed to yell at the weirdo he's supposed to go back in the alley how is he running 40 miles an hour I'll tell you I can run 40 miles an hour because I'm a bodybuilder and uh yeah thanks you should see me when I'm all oiled up I uh so but I am I'm a I'm a bodybuilder and I am selling a workout tape after this um it's an audio so I don't know if you have a cassette deck but if you do you can have a body like mine and uh I'm not going to lie it's a cassette

Series so there's there's a lot of work on there but there's some downtime on some of those cassettes you know it's just me going hey let's rest for a while this is only tape one tape two we're looking for a lighter the whole tape so that's cardio man I really like where you guys laugh sometimes you're there and other times you're like so but I'm selling those afterwards and I'm having a special uh if you buy an audio tape I will throw in a couple of forever stamps with every purchase all my money is tied up in forever

stamps uh I made some horrible investments in 1989 and I have warehouses full of forever stamps across the United States so see me afterwards now um you guys seem to like the walking jokes so I have some more walking jokes um this one takes place in San Antonio Texas San Antonio Texas very historical you know like the alamo's right there the club I'm working at one block on this side of the Alamo the hotel I'm staying at it's one block on the other side of the Alamo so I'm always walking back and forth in front of the Alamo you

know not like I'm on patrol like this isn't going to happen again on my watch you know so uh there's a Ripley's Believe It or Not right across from the Alamo and the first day I'm in town I run into Ripley and go I don't believe it and that made him mad uh they threw me out of Ripley and now I'm on a watch list believe it or not and uh I cannot go to any Ripley Believe It or Not in North America you know and honestly it really hasn't come into play yet but uh but maybe one day so anyway thank you another new person

welcome aboard uh but no I'm walking this way and there's like a Rancher looking guy walking towards me right and I see him and I'm just like hey there's a Rancher looking guy I wasn't like all freaked out like oh no there's a Rancher looking guy I was just like hey there's a Rancher looking guy yeah so I'm walking this way and as the Rancher looking guy and I cross he says to me hey girl so that voice in my head just says Hey keep walking you know so I walk a few more steps and then he says it again hey girl so now I'm kind of flattered you

know so I turn around and he's flexing and he says to me what do you have to say for yourself and I'm like what kind of women have you been dating apparently you're into Czechoslovakian po Walters then he start Ed chasing me and I outran him and I said hey a woman beat you in a foot race you guys are making me laugh man that's crazy a woman beat you in a foot race how does that make you feel and he said not very good and then I ran into Ripley and said you're never going to believe this all right I'm going to have a

little sip of water here all right like I say you guys seem to like the walking jokes so here's another one this one takes place in Virginia Beach Virginia right and uh it's the same kind of deal I'm there for like three or four days doing shows I'm walking it's broad daylight I'm crossing this road called Independence Boulevard which is a big road you know two lanes a median two more Lanes not my first time crossing a big road I mean I'm from Colorado but I don't go hey my Shockers are line I'm going to step off the curb here

and see what happens you know so I'm walking and uh I have the light and everything I get across the two lanes I get across the median and then I'm in the third lane and these cars won't let me cross you know so now it's like a weird game of Frogger but I feel good CU I can look both ways when I cross I should do nothing but eye jokes that should be the title of this special nothing but eye jokes but I don't have that many eye jokes so now it's getting serious and it counts down to like five four three and it gets to two and I throw my arms up in

disgust you know and then uh that car stopped stops and I get across the fourth lane and then uh that car makes a ride and there's a Walmart trucker with a big trailer and he makes the ride and then as he's making the ride I see the passenger side window going down and I'm like he's going to yell at me and sure enough he did and he said it said don't walk you idiot so I started running alongside the truck and I looked over and it said but it did say walk and he started throwing Oreo cookies at me because he was mad

and then I started catching him and eating him you know and I said all you're doing is carbo loading me I'll run you all the way to the coast all right that was fun now I do uh you know I want to talk about the environment a little bit it's important to recycle you guys and I recycle I do I'm a busy guy so I do it all at once I melt down plastic tin and aluminum all into one super compound that I call plastini and so far all I've made is a knife out of it but I'll tell you this nobody's giving me any trouble on the

bus anymore you know I'm like how about some plastini pal I found if you're ever getting a knife fight I always throw that hand up there like that cuz when they're looking up there just a little knife fighting tip for me to you on a Saturday night and you know there are things you can do to help the environment like I mentioned riding the bus Recycling and I'm a vegetarian and I'm not like hey look at me you know I'm a bus riding vegetarian I don't care if you eat meat you could tackle a cow right in front of me and

start on on it and i' be like I think that's you're right under the Constitution go ahead you know and if the cow started winning I would jump down there and start fighting the cow with you you know I'd be like I'm not going to eat this thing but you're losing to a cow right now start hitting this cow you know but my friends always try to trip me up you know to see if I'll eat meat they come up with these wild hypothetical situations like what if you were trapped in the mountains in a blizzard and you fought your way into a cabin and all was

in the freezer was venison would you eat meat and I'm like yeah I'd eat meat because I'm a vegetarian not an idiot you know I want to live to eat vegetables another day man I can't get by the whole one day without vegetables to keep the string alive and correct me if I'm wrong but we're trapped in a blizzard right I would eat you if it came down to it I just happen to have a plastini knife here I was stabbed twice in the cabin you know that's knife fighting tip number two and I don't know the sales are going to go for the you know uh workout tape

but if we sell enough of them I'll have a free knif fighting seminar outside oh man I love you guys because you surprise me every step of the way I love that now I do want to talk about some pertinent issues you know I think that the whole problem is oil and it's not that we need to conserve it we need to use it all up cuz they're not going to do anything until it's gone you know so knowing that I bought a 78 Buick Electra and I put it up on blocks and I'm just running it 247 man and I'm doing it on stolen credit

cards so hey and I want to talk about the national debt too you know the national debt is a big thing and every every time I hear someone talking about the national debt they say things like I don't want to see our grandchildren paying off the national debt and I'm like I do you know that is the only plan that makes sense so far man let's put these kids to work hey Billy here's a new game called sewing machine son sit down here and see how many of these shoes you can make in 12 hours all right fair enough that's

good well you know and like I say I mean uh I go for a lot of walks and I don't know what it is about the way that I look but people who don't even know I'm a standup comic feel comfortable enough to come up to me on the street and say things to me like Beetle Juice Beetle Juice beet I'm like that is really rude I uh I don't go up to people I think are weird looking and go Lutheran Lutheran Lutheran I don't know if you've ever hung out with a pack of Lutheran but you know all right now I want to tell this story and this you know I don't like to

brag but I live in a one-bedroom apartment uh things are going well again thank you over here man but I come home one night after a show and I go into my kitchen which surprisingly enough has the same wall it's a crazy coincidence but I hear this dripping sound behind the wall so I contact my landlord you know I text him it's early enough and he says hey check all the faucets and stuff I check that stuff there's no leaks he goes okay what they're going to do is send up a couple of Maintenance men tomorrow and so they

do they send up these two maintenance guys Mark and Troy right and they go over to the wall and they listen and they go uh yeah it sounds like there's a leak behind the wall I'm like man I want to work with you guys you know like I find the problem you come over and go yep that's what it is then I felt like I was in a bad improv exercise I'm like What's Next fellas what do you think you know so they go uh there's it's a three-story building I'm on the second floor they go we're going to go up to the third floor so I'm like

all right they go up there they're up there for like five minutes and then they come back down and the dripping sound stopped and they said what you were hearing was the bathtub faucet dripping into the Basin on the third floor and so I played along at first you know I'm like okay but then I started thinking about it and like is my hearing really that good that I could hear that and shouldn't I be hearing all kinds of other stuff you know and did they tell those people that I could hear their bathtub dripping and they're like

that guy has a weird eye but he hears like a bat you know so like I don't know 10 days go by and my landlord calls and goes hey the apartment below you there's water dripping through I go that's weird do you think it had anything to do you know with that leing sound I reported almost two weeks ago so so now I don't know what happened to Mark in this joke but Troy is up in my uh apartment and the guy below is George and he owns the other apartment and they're doing all these tests right talking on the phone Troy has the bathroom the the tub

on any leaks nope no leaks you know then he puts on the shower and they go hey I'm no plumber but I'd be willing to bet if the tub's not leaking the shower is going to be good too so I want a 100 bucks from Troy that day so they do all these tests they can't figure it out and then um George comes up and it's George Troy and me in my bathroom and uh wow you guys are making up your own jokes again George looks over at me and says John do you take a lot of baths I'm like wow that's a weird question but his theory was I was taking baths and

filling up the tub so much that it was overflowing you know into the apartment below so the reason I bring this up you guys is when I walked out on stage I'm sure you all made a judge judement about me I get it I'm in public all the time I ride the bus I make judgments too but I would be willing to bet that not one person here tonight when I walked up on this stage said to themselves I'll bet that guy takes a lot of bath you like I come home after a hard day man what a day bath bomb boom I'm taking a bath I'm filling it to the rim

it was me George how about that all right I'm going to get going here in just a minute I still have uh something I want to talk about you guys been so much fun going to put this in there you know a lot of comics sell merch after the show and dry bar is nice enough to let me do a merch plug so hang on just for one second I I've got my Merchant here I'm uh I am selling a book tonight I didn't write it but I am selling it so I just have the one so see me in a hurry and I'm also still in this thin spaghetti uh I bought 10 of

them and I don't really like it so it's $1 OBO uh all right and if you're watching this online message me because I don't know if this stuff's going to sell tonight or not all right that's it for me you guys thank you all so much enjoy the for